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We all know that every once in a blue moon, I enjoy some good old-fashioned Bacchanalia. And sometimes I take it a little far, but it’s all in good fun (sometimes very, very good fun). With my birthday coming up this week, I thought I would publish this handy reference sheet. As the leading authority on my own alcohol-induced deterioration, I have subdivided the different degrees of intoxication into seven progressive categories. Feel free to comment if you think it needs adjustment.
Drunk Kyle, Stage One: Kyle has had upwards of four beers or three moderate cocktails. He may be feeling a little loose and toasty, but no other noticeable physical effects. He could probably drive if there was a legitimately serious call for it—regardless, he will have the good sense to wait until he is realistically within the legal limit. This stage is generally either a polite social setting or a brief warm-up period before getting into anything more serious.
Stage Two: Kyle has had a few more drinks, probably including at least one more cocktail or a shot, and has started to feel a distinct change in attitude. He loses a few reservations about speaking freely and is probably becoming a little flirty (sometimes by accident, but mostly because it seems like the natural, logical course of conversation). He will recognize that he doesn’t need to be driving, but still thinks he could if he absolutely had to.
Stage Three: Kyle had probably been throwing back a consistent, yet still reserved string of drinks, but his consumption has probably been dictated by some sort of game for a while, thus keeping him well-paced and not feeling sick. At this point he will probably find a place to sit and join a conversation or start one with someone (there is a decent chance he will interrupt someone but will not remember it happening that way). He will not be above Karaoke at this point. Expect “ironic” winking/finger-guns from this point forward.
Stage Four: Kyle is definitely drunk by now. Chances are Thunderstruck/No-Face/Shot Ski has/have been involved. There is a strong possibility that he will try to lift you off the ground if you are a girl (normally for a photo op). If you laugh at anything he says (or if he remembers you doing so earlier in the night), don’t be surprised if he tries to repeat his comedy success by either a) spitting more “jokes” at you or b) recycling the original one, hopefully with a different person. He may attempt to imitate a famous person—DO NOT encourage this behavior; it will get old in a big fat hurry. He may start taking notes on things—don’t bother trying to figure out why. Things like elastic bands will become entertaining to him, so watch your suspenders, hair ties, waistbands, etc.
Stage Five: Kyle is clearly trashed, but he will still retain lucidity and have a fairly complete memory of the evening up to this point. Generally he will consider this a good stopping place, especially if it is very late. While in this condition, he may consider it the right time to mention something that has been on his mind for a while—this could be something totally inconsequential or seemingly rather important; just don’t expect context to have any bearing on when he says anything. Conversations in general will be characterized by lengthy monologues, but unlike more sober incarnations, Stage Five Drunk Kyle will be completely oblivious to how badly he is dominating the conversation. Details of said conversations will probably be fuzzy later on. God help you if you are or become the only person talking to him during this stage. In spite of all this, he is apparently the most attractive during this stage, as this is historically when females have made their move. It is in this condition that Kyle has collected every phone number he has ever asked for.
Stage Six: This is the blackout threshold—Kyle will later require photographic evidence to remember/know what happened from this point forward. During this stage, Kyle may attempt to covertly steal something from your apartment, or maybe rearrange any decorative knick-knacks you have lying around. If in a public space like a bar, he probably ought to be cut off even if the bartender doesn’t initiate it. Lost keys are relatively common. You may need to help him walk. He will seriously not know when to shut up. Make sure not to lose track of him at this stage, because tracking him down will be a chore—text messages will be hard to decipher and he will not hear his phone ring. Random facebook messages and late-night movies (accompanied by extensive note-taking) are common. There is approximately a 50/50 chance that he will puke when he gets home. Slamming a Four Loko and a Jim Beam No-Face between 12 hours of tailgating and walking to a football game has been known to elicit this effect.
Stage Seven: A fucking disaster waiting to happen. Public vomiting might as well be expected. Hide his keys. Confiscate his knife before he breaks something. If he asks you to stop for food, you probably ought to do it. The drunkest you will ever see this guy. Text messages will be unintelligible and probably sent to the wrong person anyway. A key to avoiding this stage is to make sure Irish Car Bombs do not become involved after midnight.